Rhymes with Duck

Billy got a rise out of the guys today by doing an imitation of me as Hulk Hogan. Theoretically, this shouldn't make sense, but it did, and everyone immediately recognized what he was doing. Words can't describe.

*

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. Her computer wasn't surge protected, so my brother and I have been trying to figure out how to replace it after it fried in a storm.

My brother took her out for dinner last night and she talked about the computer all night. Her memory seems vague and she needs to be reminded we were getting her a new one. It's as though she forgets the details, but retains the nameless dread.

My mother has been unemployed now for over a year. Whenever I visit, she is on the couch, covered in blankets, and watching Fox news. I've tried to get her out and involved in the community. I put her in touch with a local minister. She knitted him some soap sacks out of crochet but was having none of the religious stuff. I don't think it's because she does or doesn't believe. I think that church makes her feel lonely. She doesn't want to be the old woman in the back.

I've taken her a few times myself, but training and other matters kept me from being consistent. Plus, she seemed suspicious that the minister would try to hit her up for money. Her skepticism about the whole place was grating. The only real pleasure she seemed to get out of it came from being with me and from watching the kids in the pews color and steal pens out of each other's pockets.

*

Dufflebag had been telling us for a week that he had a costume, but today admitted he didn't or had lost it or didn't like it. Hard to figure out what had happened, but it seemed to me that, as a creative kid, he put something together himself but realized the next day that it wouldn't do. A difficult one, that boy! We decided to go to the costume store, but set some ground-rules, knowing he would opt for some ill-fitting 100 dollar demon mask, which we refuse to buy, prompting tears and pessimismistic statements about the very possibility of ever enjoying Halloween again.

We ended up going for a makeup kit that makes it look like his eye popped out. Poor Jess still had to shell out thirty bucks -- money for the blood gel and latex and glue and glue remover. The good thing is that, unlike a premade mask, he's the type of kid who'll take that latex and blood gell and even the glue and glue remover and fiddle with it and maybe even make short videos. His dad bought him a video camera for Christmas once and he makes frequent use of it. Unfortunately, it is battery run and the batteries run out quickly.

Driving home, Jess asked what we wanted for dinner and I said burgers. "But you have burgers all the time!" Jess.

"But we're men, and we love hamburgers!" I said, letting out a whoop, and putting my hand back for Dufflebag to slap.

*

I cooked a rice dish earlier this week that I put into a tupperware container and brought to work. It was big enough to last all week and was made from chicken, jasmine rice, hominy, white and yellow corn, peppers, brocoli, and spices. I must admit: it was delicious.

Billy tried some and liked it so much he wanted to share it with me. I told I couldn't because it was my lunch for the rest of the week. He asked me how much I would sell it to him for.

"Thirty bucks," I told him.

"Dougie, please."

"Twenty."

To my surprise and doubtless his own, he paid me twenty bucks for the rice.

While out driving, I felt bad, and, when I returned to the warehouse, gave him ten, keeping ten for myself.

Ten for two days worth of delicious, nutritious, home-cooked food seemed fair. A bargain! But twenty was taking advantage of Billy's good nature, combined with his insatiable appetite.

I spent part of my ten on lunch at Taco Bells, making me think, only after I greedily bit into a volcano taco, that I had gotten the raw end of the deal.

"Yeah, we love hamburgers. Girls love veggie burgers, but we love hamburgers."

And agreement was reached. Burgers it was, skillet cooked, and what burgers they were.